Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed