For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life