12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
road rage
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.