18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.