Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I enjoy a good short stor
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
peak technology
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.