[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either