My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”