I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what