Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.