Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Need this in my life lol
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.