ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I am patiently waiting for your email
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Bloody internet 😳
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.