{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE