11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.