I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see