HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*