I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Can’t, holding a grudge
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Breakfast for Stoners: