[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.