“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms