Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
the three branches of government
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.