[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Just so funny