Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The days of good grammer has went
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀