I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.