*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
TWEET CALL
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Holy crap this is wonderful
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.