*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.