Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?