38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
B
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t