Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible