I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders