This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.