Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
This trial is so absurd 😭
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”