I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Perfect.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”