If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”