Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen