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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.