This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?