friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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Smells like a challenge to me
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.