No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.