beware of dog
(jukin media)
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
my retirement plan is braless
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
honestly, i need both:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu