Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.