C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?