I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”