Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves