Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection