Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*