*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
happy friday
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit