Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.