Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Never forget.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know