Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants