My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
This is always good for a laugh.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If you are reading this then you are reading this