Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Before & after 😅
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
This meeting could have been a cake
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“what’s it like having a sister?”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Why are bridges so flammable.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs